strawberry is in a better place now. shes g one and = its my ffault.i was so dumb to think thatyyantyhing full of life and loveand joy could surviv e here. i'm mad at myselff mor e than i am with alan. I'm mad at mysself for having these thoughts but b theyre the only thingg in my head now. why am i so like this? why did dad tell me i was smart when i now KNNOW im not. i lett this happen.